Be patient and understanding

Depression can drain a person’s energy and drive. At times, our parents might appear irritable, impatient, or say hurtful things but try to not take it to heart as these may be due to their condition and not necessarily directed at us. For older parents, we should be careful not to dismiss some of these symptoms as part of ageing.

Here are other things to take note of when our parents are not acting in their usual ways:

• Empathise with them
• Know that they are trying their best
• Do not judge or criticise them
• Avoid telling them to be positive or “snap out of it”
• Refrain from blaming them or pressuring them to get well soon

Look out for warning signs of suicide

People with depression may have an increased risk of suicide. Be prepared by knowing the concerning behaviours to look out for. If our parents display any signs of suicide, take it seriously and consider seeking professional support.

Manage our expectations and recognise small improvements

Give our parents the time that they need to improve. Their progress may sometimes seem insignificant to us (e.g. a decrease rather than complete stop in excessively long showers), but it might have taken a lot for them to accomplish.

We can encourage them to keep trying by consistently acknowledging their small accomplishments and praising them.

Avoid scolding or forcing them to stop their compulsive behaviours

Try to remain open and refrain from making negative remarks about their behaviours. Doing so might negatively affect our relationship instead of helping them. Show our support by lending a listening ear and encouraging them to share about their struggles.

Be mindful not to accommodate their obsessive thoughts and compulsions

Avoid offering assurance about their intrusive thoughts or helping them perform certain rituals as it will not be in their best interest in the long term.

It is important to continue maintaining usual routines while not reinforcing OCD behaviours. We can also consider bringing our parents to seek professional help if it interferes with their daily lives.

Understand that supporting avoidance or forcing confrontation are not solutions

Avoidance is not helpful for their anxiety in the long run. Try not to help our parents avoid situations that they are fearful of (e.g. by taking over their task so they can avoid doing them).

However, remember to practise discretion when doing this. If they start to show extreme fear, refrain from forcing them to confront the fear as it could cause them additional distress and affect their trust in us.

Encourage them to focus on things that they can control

Help our parents learn to identify what they can and cannot control. Being able to divert their attention and energy towards what can be controlled will help them improve their situation.

Refrain from asking them to stop worrying

Lend our parents a listening ear and validate their feelings instead of asking them to stop worrying. Let them know that it is okay not to be okay at times. We can also guide them to refocus their attention on other activities, like taking a walk, listening to music or going to a quiet corner where they can calm down.